26th January 1998

Today is supposed to be a nice day. It's been twenty years since my mum first met my dad. And it's the birthday of Casey's mum. But,I'm not happy today. In fact, my fight with Casey still leaves a big dark shadow across my face. I'm as gloomy as ever. I've read in a book that when a man is angry, leave him to cool off then he can give you hints when he's ready to talk again. He'll get over it, one of these years anyway.

Well, I should write why we fought. My interpretation might not be so good but I'm confused. I'm not even sure what we fought about but I'll try my best to explain it good. It was mostly a misunderstanding fight. Everyone was trying to make it better but it got worse, though I appreciate them for trying. I think it got worse because they misunderstood my feelings. Whatever. Anyway, he started yakking and yakking there and I could barely explain that it's all a big mistake. He was very angry, I knew it. I felt so helpless and I couldn't do anything.

I e-mailed him asking all these questions about what he feels. He says he doesn't want me to have a crush on him because when I meet him in real life, he could be a big disappointment and I won't like him anymore. But he doesn't know that perfect or not, I'll like him just the same. Oh yeah, he finally admitted that he did like me but what's the use? He's probably not even my best friend anymore.

Now I'm not sure who to confide my feelings to. My real life friends won't care and for my Net friends, I'm not sure they would understand. No one knows me as well as Casey does.

I wish I didn't like him in the first place. Or for that matter, I wish I never told him I liked him. But he was bound to find out sooner or later anyway.

I'll probably write again when conditions look favourable. I hope that by the end of this week, I still have a best friend.