date: august 11, 1999
time: 9:24 pm
title: yet another item to add to the list of the stupid things i did this year
feeling: tired
ra file of the day: madonna secret
you're listening to:real audio or my radio
quote for the day: "an optimist is a person who sees a green light everywhere, while a pessimist sees only the red light. the truly wise is colour-blind." -peter hay
for some strange reason, peter told me to put up that particular quote today. he asked me two other favors too: that i reveal miko his true identity and that i should say that i love miko for who he is.
okay, here it goes. for those online people [especially those in my kci days ] who have known me for years you must know that peter and i, depending on our moods, have been each other's mortal enemy for two years. oh yeah, he flirts from time to time. we have a like-hate kind of friendship. which is why i honestly don't know what took over me the day i asked him out. that must have been the day someone dumped me.
yup. miko is really peter hay. or rather, peter hay is miko.
the moment the words left my mouth, i said to myself, "umm, aren't you supposed to be totally against these kinds of relationships, yada yada yada?" but then i figured out, "ahh, what the heck. he'd say no anyway. he hates me, remember?" as i predicted, he said no all right, much to my relief and disappointment. after which, he changed his mind and said "okay, you win." that shocked me a lot. people have said i am very influential in the net but i guess i must be something if he'd say yes. heck, i must be really something if any guy would say yes if i asked him out. i mean, would you say yes if i asked you out! of course you wouldn't. i mean that's how life goes.
but peter did, and that makes another item in my list of the stupid things i did this year. don't get me wrong, people--i thoroughly enjoyed that one month we'd been together. the reason why i think of it as that was because we both thought that even though the feelings in long-distance relationships (he lives in australia, by the way) are real, it's still kinda pointless and silly. the feelings are real--that's what the problem is. you like a person, but he's miles and miles away so you kinda feel like blowing the whole world up or something. not only that but, he just dumped you, remember? that's what hurts the most. perhaps that's why i am so mean and bitchy all the time. even his saying that he still loves me anyway doesn't help.
but you know, i can't grant peter's third favor: saying here in my journal, to the world, that i love him. not right now. see, there is such thing as "in like" and "in love". i guess i could say that i am "in like" with him at the moment. but all that could change. he's cute [oh yes, he's definitely cuter than 2 years ago , as cute or cuter than nevermind but he doesn't want his pic shown in the net] and smart but only time can tell if i am "in love" with him or not. besides, competition is tough--we're a thousand miles apart and then there are currently nine girls after him who only live two short blocks away from him.
yup, it was a stupid thing to do. love is a stupid thing to feel. the world is stupid. i'm stupid. so i decided to make three rules for me to follow in order to avoid future heartbreak:
1. quit reading romance novels.
2. quit with being obssessed with cute guys--be it peter or that cute guy i ran into at the mall last weekend. or maybe i should quit going to the mall altogether.
3. quit asking guys out . if anyone really liked me, they'd take the initiative to ask me out. not that i'm saying it would actually happen or anything.
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