You've Never Seen Beauty Until Tonight

Remember the test I took in Christian Living Ed. yesterday? Well, guess what--I flunked it. I sorta expected it cause I guessed most of the mysteries. Anyway, I don't think I have to take remedial classes. All I have to do to save my ass is to recite the fifteen mysteries of the rosary and the Act Of Contrition. And then, I am free! The fact is that me and the kids who flunked the quiz will lead the rosary from now on but it's better than taking remedial classes. Look at the bright side. Whatever.

Do you guys think I'm evil? Seriously? As in, if you were a parent, would I be the kind of friend you'd want your children to be having? Am I really offensive, loud, mean, hideous, awful, sadistic, rude? (Don't answer that.) A certain person has been wondering when horns will start growing ontop of my head so I thought I might ask you: am I really that bad?

Let me give you the facts. I don't always say my prayers as sincerely as I want to. I'd rather go to the mall than go to mass. I cuss a lot. I make fun of people. I crack green jokes. On the other hand, I've never gotten into any serious trouble. I'm good to my friends. I'm good to the ones I love. My grades are okay. My teachers don't think I'm an angel, but don't think I'm bad enough to worry crap all over. Oh, and my dad think I'm a saint. So what do you think, people? I'm asking you to judge me. I'm asking you to bash at me. Tell me what you honestly think about me, based from what you have read. You don't have to say that I am a mean, neurotic bitch because I am a mean, neurotic bitch. Okay, I exaggerate, don't forget to add that.

Derek finally e-mailed me after a million centuries. I exaggerate, he always e-mails me but I hadn't heard from him for two days, and it seemed like a million centuries to me. Anyway, he said he went to a party, and they were playing The Blanket Game. Umm, since he is so much better at describing than I am, I will write what he said in the e-mail.

"Anyway, first off, when Amy (the person who hosted the party) declared the game, all the people who DIDN'T know what the game was were taken to her room to wait until the time when they would be called... one at a time... downstairs to the game. Also, once a person was called down... they never went back up.

So, when Amy said I was next, I walked outta her room, leaving behind two more future victims, and was led down the stairs to my fate. In the room, everyone was huddled along the sidelines and in the middle of the floor lay a blanket, which they promptly removed. I was ordered to sit down in the center of the room, and they threw the blanket over me.

From then on, they couldn't see me, and I couldn't see them. The only voice I heard was from the best friend I had in school, senior James Allee.

"Okay Derek, you're in the Sahara Desert and it is like a hundred million degrees. And you are just burning up out here, and you need to cool off, so you need to take something off of you, and just slide it under the blanket and I'll get it."

Thinking I was being smart, I took off my watch and slid it under.

"YOUR WATCH? Come on Derek, you're dying out here! It is the Sahara Desert, and it is a million degrees!"

Okay... that didn't work, next thing to go... my left shoe.

"Your shoe? Derek, you're foot just burned up! That sand is so hot that your foot is on fire now."

Fine... the other shoe goes too. Then my socks.

"Derek, I don't think your getting this. It is a million degrees out in the Sahara desert and you need to take something off that will cool you down."

'Oh, what the Hell' I think and I took off my shirt.

"Okay, you're doing a little better, but you're still way too hot, and you need to cool down."

Bye bye pants.

"Now that's more like it! But you know, there is still one thing that would REALLY cool you off a lot more."

I got rid of my underwear and slid it under the blanket. From the outside I could hear people laughing, but I didn't mind, it was actually quite fun.

"Okay Derek, you are completely naked. Butt naked right?"

"Right?" I answer matter-of-factly.

"But there is still one more thing you can take off that will make you a lot cooler!"

A gigantic light bulb shattered in my brain and I shook my head cursing myself for being such an idiot. Everyone began to laugh as I sat nude under the blanket, realizing how slow I was to comprehend things.

"Okay, okay, I get the joke," I said disappointedly, and James slid my clothes back under. I put 'em back on, and took off the one thing I should've gotten rid in the first place: the blanket."